25.10.20 – Side Effects

I developed a sensitivity to a new drug I recently started on. The side effects began on the second day of taking it. Not realising the pain and bad stomach was from the new drug, I continued on taking it as normal. The morning after I work up itching continuously. Honestly it made me remember how uncomfortable the itching used to be. Not always to this level, but I do remember a particular time I had it bad. I believe I was at secondary school when I started to develop mild tingling causing the urge to scratch every so often. It slowly started to worsen. It would especially itch once I had gotten home from school when I had the time to itch more. We would often change straight from our uniform into pyjamas. I’d start feeling more desperate to change into something more comfier than itchy school jumpers and especially those tights.

I’d become so itchy over time that it had just gotten so worse that I could sit there itching and itching away for an hour. I’d stand in the shower stinging from the red sore skin. I’d even find the sheets a slight blood stained from sharp edges on my nails. However the worst experience I had was when I had rubbed my feet so much on the sheets in bed that I’d torn skin off of my foot. I was limping a little the next day because of it. Wow! That pain was awful! Luckily before doing any more damage, I was put on new medicine for the itching. It worked an absolute treat!

I’ve just been scrolling on Instagram this morning, looking at what society views perfection to look like. Now what does perfection look like to us? No ones going to give you the same answer but say we looked at a photo of a muscular, tall dark hair, brown eyed tanned guy, then I’d say the majority of us women would use the word ‘perfect’. Unfortunately I fell into that trap thinking that the gym junkie or a curvaceous body, designer clothes, ‘beautiful women’ was what I need to look or be like. I needed to be popular. I was very self conscious then (and still now) and needed to be told that I’m beautiful. I thought that if I was told such positive things, I’d think better of myself. Yes it would make me feel good, in the short term and good going for those who enjoy it, but that’s not me. I got to a point where I was obsessed about what I was eating, the amount of exercise I was doing, the changes I noticed In my body, unfortunately I became weaker and weaker and became thin and frail. I didn’t have the energy to carry on in the end. I learned that this desire to look like someone else, wasn’t me. I’m still working on my self confidence and to love myself, however I’m so much better than before.

I wish I told my younger self not to feel jealous of the ‘popular croud’ at school. Not to strive to be part of that group. Not to wish I was one of them, but to just be yourself. To accept yourself for who you are. My confidence sucked. I’d feel anxious on the way to school. I didn’t know what anxiety felt like then, but now I know that it was just that! What I’ve learned from life, especially during the time when I was struggling the most with my liver disease, was that friends come and go. Not all personalities mix, not all paths go similar ways. I wish I could remind everyone of this though…. if you have a friend who does not seem themselves and they go quiet on you…. then its likely that it’s not about you. Don’t take it personally. They are probably going through a hard time. The friends who will care to you the most, are those who can empathise or even sympathise. Those who are there no matter what, who don’t give up on you just because you’ve been quite because you are feeling down. They are likely to reach out to you. Not all ‘friends’ are going to be trust worthy, honest and loyal. I can honestly say that from experience. I don’t have many friends and I’m not ashamed to say so. I can count them on one hand. That’s all I need because they appreciate what I’ve been through, they understand why I’m feeling a certain way, they will support you, you’ll want to do all of the same for them, through thick and thin. Even if I can’t afford to shower my friends with expensive gifts, or have time to message them every day, we know that when we do meet, we get on nicely, like nothings changed.

My therapist told me to compartmentalise my problems, my worries, my stresses. I’m not sure I even know how to do that. There are a couple of things that are getting to me which are completely out of my control. They need to be pushed aside for the moment. My head feels just like what my bed covers look like…..

I wonder if any of you recognise where this bedding is from. 🙂

Well I’m hoping that all of the insignificant things will make their way out of my mind. COVID hasn’t helped how I’m feeling, but I can’t change it. We are all experiencing emotion from COVID. It’s affected us all. I’m less anxious as I used to be but I’m still pretty aware and cautious, as I should be. It’s been a difficult year for us all. I’m pretty positive that 2021 will be a better year for us all. 😊

From Monday 20th May 2020, the ‘opt-out’ system for organ donation was introduced. We are hoping that this will encourage the conversation between family’s, their wishes and beliefs. Hopefully more lives will be saved on waiting list for transplants.

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